the winner of my joke contest is desertbrat and here is the winning joke followed by the runner-up joke by sweettalker;

There was this guy who was sorta like Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies.. rich and lived on a farm loaded in oil.  A girl who's a gold digger comes up to him, and tells him that if he marries her, she'll make him the happiest man this side of the Mississippi.  Sooo, he agrees, cuz well, he's an idiot.  Wedding night comes around and she's like, "aren't you gonna make love to me?"  And he's very confused at this point, as he never had "the talk". So he calls his pa, and says, "Pa, she wants me to make love to her.. what do I do?"  And pa says, "Go lay on the bed, kiss her, drink some champagne and call me back."  So Jethro goes and does as pa says.  About 10 minutes later, he calls back and says, "Pa, I did all that.. what's next?"  And Pa says, "Now, kiss her some more and take off her clothes and your clothes, and when you're done with that, call me back."  So Jethro goes and does what he's told.  Then he calls pa back.. "Pa, what's next?"  and Pa says, "Now.. this part is VERY important..You have to stick the hardest part of your body into the place where she pees.. do that and call me back.."  About 3 minutes later, Jethro calls back, "Pa, I got my head in the toilet.. now what do I do?"

second place goes to sweettalker:

my computer is like brittany spears; cheap, white, and plastic.

in other news the new harry potter 6 book cover has come out, you can see the new cover at www.mugglenet.com. enjoy!